My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
