If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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