I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
