well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
