my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
