So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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