he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
