just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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