Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
