I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
