I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I did not marry a roomba.
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