He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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