the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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