the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
