he quoted the bible to break up with me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
