A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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