I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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