I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
