Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
