Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
