respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
