Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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