thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
