Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
