you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
