if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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