Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
