Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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