Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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