Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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