yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
