I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
