I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
