i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I could make wine with my vomit
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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