Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
