I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
