I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
