I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
