You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just threw up on my dentist
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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