We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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