who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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