What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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