I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
