new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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