Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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