I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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