I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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