There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
