I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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