Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
