In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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